Texas School Rightly Fears Corruption of the One Ring

41SWqbF25DL._SL250_Texas has made further steps to criminalize the use of the most dreaded power in the universe – your imagination.

Imaginations are dangerous things. The overuse of this faculty could lead us to believe that global temperatures are “warming”. It might even allow us to imagine such preposterous things as giant lizards roaming the earth for millions of years before the republic of Texas was founded.

Fortunately, schools have long since made pointing your finger at other kids while playing cops and robbers a suspendable offense. Now they’ve upped the ante and turned their attention to those among us wielding magical rings of power.

Think about it –  a room full of invisible tweens. What horrors could be unleashed upon the world?

Of course the child who started it all has a troubled past clearly showing his allegiance to Sauron. He audaciously called a child “black” and brought a “science” book to class which, please brace yourself – I must really apologize in advance for the crude nature of this revelation – had a picture of a pregnant woman.

As all true Texans (and Benedict Cumberbatch) know, he should have used the more proper term “Colored Person” – a failure on the part of his parents, no doubt. As for the abomination of depicting a pregnancy, he needs to have the correct format explained to him – ALL photos of pregnancy have to be taken inside the womb and include approved anti-abortion slogans. These types of photos are fine for display at church, home, and prominently on billboards throughout our communities.

To date, Anti-Imagination policies have proven to be extremely effective in limiting our children’s dangerous, creative tendencies. All kids need to understand that school is for multiple choice practice where we select answers from a carefully controlled and pre-determined set of responses – not for glorification of the horrifying abominations of hobbits and “mommies”.

In Texas alone, we’ve saved dozens of kids from serious carpal tunnel issues which could be caused by pointing your finger and flexing your thumb, like a gun. With the new extension of our Anti-Imagination crusade to Rings of Power, there is no telling how many children will be spared gollum-like transformations.

No child should ever feel threatened by bullets composed of air or ancient sorceries forged in the fires of Mount Doom. Doing so would be tantamount to leaving them behind.

To reinforce the reality of their lives, we’ve vigorously adopted and proposed legislation that lets our teachers not only carry real firearms (which are much easier on the metacarpo-phalangeal and carpo-metacarpo joints) but will also allow them to shoot these little budding Servants of Sauron with little to no repercussions.

We may just yet win this war against the evils of imagination. One bullet at a time.

However, ammunition costs money. And sending teachers on sabbatical to quest for rings of power so they might toss them into the Cracks of Doom would be expensive and cumbersome. As you may or may not be aware, Texas schools are woefully short of Samwises and are mostly in the habit of cranking out one Saruman after another. The ring bearers would be bound for failure and thus our hard-earned tax dollars would be wasted.

But I propose a solution.

If you are in possession of a Ring of Power, I would request that you please send it to the following address for proper disposal: Kermit Elementary School, TEXAS, 1700 KERMIT ST, KERMIT, TX 79745-5230 United States 

If you are in need of a message, might I suggest the following:

Administrators, Dolores Umbridge, et. al,

I am sending you my Ring of Power for proper disposal. Please know I will be with you all the way to the Cracks of Doom.

Your Friend, Sam

**All sarcasm aside (this is a personal feat…), I did actually send Kermit Elementary the replica ring listed in the link above. I believe it was $16 with shipping, money well-spent. Also, full disclosure, that link and all of my links go through my Amazon Affiliate account whose tiny percentages help me keep writing words and things.**

Categories: Geekery

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10 replies

  1. Yeah right, like I’m really going to give up “my precioussssss.”

  2. When I first read the article reporting this story, the only polite word I could think of to describe this administrator was “idiot.” I thought of lots of others, but I’m loathe to put them down on the interwebz.

  3. Speaking of cracks, what crack did the administrators slip through to allow not just this failure to this boy, but the first two? Is it the over-use of anti-bacterial soap that has wiped out common sense?

    • I have no clue. I mean, I dug around hoping to find out if there was more to the story, like the kid tried to force feed the ring to someone, but nothing. He’s apparently just a 9 year old “terrorist” who cast his lot with agents of Mordor.

  4. I can totally see my daughter doing this because she has the biggest imigination ever and loves acting stuff out. I’d hate for her to get in trouble because she’s playing. Who doesn’t understand it’s make believe? It’s just plain stupid.

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