Recently, I attempted to interview the main character of my upcoming book, Crimson Son. Things didn’t go as planned, but since I went to all the trouble to contact a secure, undisclosed facility (which actually has no outside connections, but hey, I’m a FICTION writer…) I figured I would post the results.
Spencer: Okay, got your key. Bouncing the signal through enough wingates to give the NSA a hernia. Man, just like the good ol’ days at D3dm4n$ Ch3$t. Let’s get this going, I’m only going to jeopardize the air gap for so long. My dad will shit a brick if he finds out.
Me: You think he’d be upset?
He freaks out when I grab passing satellite TV signals. If he knows I’m actually sending a signal, he’ll literally shit a brick.
Pretty sure he eats them for breakfast. He’ll pick them out of his teeth when he gets home from fighting Super Villain number whatever. I’m stuck here eating cardboard.
Alright, well, as you know, my name is Russell Linton, author of Crimson…
Really? This book is about HIM?
Hold on, the book is about you, not him. Crimson Son, not Crimson Mask.
Oh. You never really explained that. How can you write an entire book about me?
Well, it’s a book about how your life was changed by tragedy. How you’re thrust into your father’s world and have to survive.
That sounds like a crappy book if you ask me.
It isn’t. It starts out right there in the bunker…
Wow, this is hopeless. The Icehole? Why would anyone read a book about this place? Let me sum it up – cold, boring, claustrophobic. It’s like The Road, only no road and no people to eat. I could really go for a good slab of people right about now.
Are you done? Yes, it starts in the Icehole. There, we get an idea of your everyday life: the isolation, the stress you have to deal with from the loss of your mother.
Easy now. She’s still out there, Mr. Biographer…ummm, right?
I’d rather not say, you know, spoilers and all.
What!? Don’t be a douche.
I’m simply saying who would buy the book if I gave away the ending?
Wait, there’s an ending? Is it a happy one?
Of course there’s an ending and I’ll leave it to the reader to decide how happy it is.
Do I see some action?
Oh, definitely. The whole book is action-packed.
Nice! Do I become a porn star or something?
Not THAT kind of action.
Damnit. ‘Cause it’s REALLY cold in this bunker. And lonely. Hey, how detailed is it exactly?
Awww man, don’t do this to me. This place is like the igloo of masturbation! I mean there’s almost nothing else to do here.
Woah, hang on. No, nothing like that. We skip closer to the homicidal-robot-dodging, heroic sort of action.
Hmmmm, I’m liking my book idea better. Are you sure I couldn’t become a pornstar?
Spencer, what is it with you?
What the hell did you expect? I’m a bundle of hormones on ice for the past two years in Dad’s not-so-cleverly veiled fortress of solitude reference. Nineteen, locked up here in my prime, I’m pretty sure I’m going insane.
The book’s a bit more serious than all that.
You sure you have the right son of a superhero? Didn’t Cyrus have a kid? What about Ember?
Positive. Maybe I took some creative license and subdued your smart assery a tiny bit. Except the time you’re tripping on Mountain Dew or one of the many pulse-pounding adrenaline rushes as you struggle to survive and prove to your dad that the true heroes are the ones with the most to lose.
Wait, I get to drink Mountain Dew again? Fuckin’ sweet!
Crap. He’s here.
Crimson Son is scheduled to be released June 2014.